Louisiana Oxemoran

The words Wisdom, Voters, and Louisiana go together like Mardi Gras, Moderation, and Vespers. Not at all.

Indigestion

Sometimes life just sticks in the throat. . .

Science Education

"Republican Calls
Climate Change A Hoax Because
Earth And Mars Have
'Exactly' The Same Temperature"

If you want the straight dope on all things scientific, just ask a Republican. Write down whatever he or she says and then scribble a big NOT in front of it.

Safe Room

Safe rooms don't work for poltergeists or Jehovah's Witnesses.

Death's Door

We're all dying. It's just a matter of when and where we give up the ghost entirely. All of life -- if we choose to admit it or not -- is spent at death's door.

Christianese

"Have a blessed day" is Christianese for "fuck off, you atheist bastard!"

Pat Tattoo

I'm going to get a picture of Pat Robertson tattooed on my ass. Closer my butt to thee, oh Lord. . .

One Feature

The one feature every religion shares with every other religion is a contempt for every other religion.

Password

The most commonly used online password is password, followed by 123456.

It's hard to believe anyone could possibly be that stupid. No, wait a minute. Tea Party. Dubya. Creationism. Jersey Shore. Check that, it isn't hard to believe at all. . .

Fifth, Sixth, and Seventh Columns

You can't focus on the enemy. You can't pick him out from a crowd. His face is like any other. The enemy isn't in one place. He is neither here nor there. He is here then gone then here again. The enemy isn't one people or type of person. He isn't black or white or he or she. He and she is indistinguishable. The enemy is all around. He surrounds us always. We know him intimately and wondrously well. The enemy is within. He is us and we are him. He is in the muscle and bone and blood. The enemy is damned. His creation was the original sin. And he is incapable of redemption.

Empty

empty
  a small room
ill lit
antiseptic
lifeless
lonely

once
  there were chairs
others
moving
talking
engaged

once
there was hope
hearts
and eyes
looking
forward

now
there is nothing
but the odor
of days
and nights
long gone

i am
a barren space
windowless
sunless
homeless
empty

Death Came For Me

Death came for me one June day. A patch of darkness silhouetted by the early summer sun. Her hands sweaty with wet grass and sprinkler dew. I stood tree-like, moving barely a branch. She approached and I rustled. I smiled and she winked. I bowed and she walked by.

In October she was back. A wrath as thin as a voice on the wind. Her cowl covered with colored leaves. Her shoes buckled with newly tilled earth. I sat on the porch swing and whistled. She walked up and I stopped. I spoke and she answered. I stood and she retreated.

December came and death returned. A hot breath in a room cold as paving stone. Her blue eyes filled with old tears and eternity. I danced a jig and clapped my hands. She nodded and I snapped my fingers. I sang and she hummed along. I leaned forward and she opened her arms.

T. Cruz T-Shirt

Ted Cruz has shed his Canadian dual citizenship, but he's still a huge fan of Terrence and Philip and reportedly still has the "Asses of Fire" t-shirt his dad bought him for his 30th birthday. Once a canuck, always a canuck, I guess.

The New Dick

The new Nixonism. "I AM a crook -- make no mistake about that -- but at least I'm not a woman, a minority, or gay. I'm just like you. Stupid and uninformed. Vote for me."

John D.

Behind every successful man is a trail of human refuse. Wealth makes room for itself by creating poverty. Every dollar in the bank is a dollar stolen from someone more deserving. If John D. Rockefeller had really been a devout Christian he never would have made a nickel.

Cynic and Realist

The difference between a cynic and a realist is easily discerned. A cynic doubts that he will ever be happy. A realist knows that he will not.

Twitter and McCain and the High Road

If you really want to bring about positive change in this country it's best to stay on issue and attack the message and not the messenger. Accusing an old man of treason -- and based upon unsubstantiated, forty-year-old hearsay "evidence" -- does not help the cause of veterans. McCain spent five and a half years as a prisoner of war in North Vietnam. That's a fact. Whatever information he divulged to the enemy under torture or threats of torture is conjecture. He wasn't released early from captivity and his family connections did not always work in his favor. That's a fact, too. I dislike the man intensely, but calling him a coward and a traitor just doesn't wash.

McCain has done more collaborating with big business against the interests of working class Americans since 1982 than he did with the Viet Cong against the American military between 1968 and 1973. Focusing on the later while ignoring the former is both politically  counterproductive and intellectually dishonest. If the Senator is selling out veterans -- and I think he is -- he is doing so today.  Questioning his patriotism, based on what he may or may not have done forty years ago and not on what he did or said last Tuesday is a mistake. And, what's worse, it looks bad. It only gives him the opportunity to pose in front the American flag and attack the motives of his critics.

I say give the man his due. Hero or collaborator, half a decade as a guest at the Hanoi Hilton was clearly no picnic. He was used by the North Vietnamese and such treatment leaves scars, both mental and physical. Leave his military record alone and attack his record in the Senate instead. He has a great deal to answer for politically. When describing McCain, I prefer dimwit, hypocrite, sociopath, and -- my favorite -- humorless opportunist hack born with, both, a silver spoon and a gold braid up his ass. If you give the matter some thought I'm sure you can come up with some apt adjectives for him and his more recent behavior also.

And remember. Once again. Don't attack the messenger, attack the message. When you attack the message your argument holds true no matter who you're debating. When you attack the messenger your argument dissolves when the person you're debating changes. Do your homework and take the high ground whenever possible. Don't let bad bile disrupt your brain chemistry. And don't piss off your allies if you can help it. No one's telling you what to think, I am only offering you a much needed alternative perspective. Morals declare war, but tactics win battles. Don't make martyrs of your enemies.

Creationists

The average creationist couldn't outsmart Homer Simpson on the subject of hair loss. Even bald trumps stupid.

Chicken Hawks

I have no trouble with someone actively avoiding military service. Draft dodging is a time honored tradition amongst pacifists and political dissenters. What I have trouble with is someone actively supporting a war that they themselves have avoided fighting in. If you dodge the draft you are morally and ethically required to speak out against the hostilities you've refused to help perpetuate. That's the rule. Protecting your own ass is one thing, protecting your own ass by sending others to get theirs shot off in place of yours is quite another. There is a distinct deference between being a chicken and a chicken hawk.

Consider the cases of 1960's ant-war activist, David Harris and former vice-president, Dick Cheney. Both refused to serve in Vietnam. Harris went to jail for his beliefs and served fifteen month in a minimum security prison in California. After his release he continued to oppose both American involvement in Southeast Asia and the draft. Cheney -- on the other hand -- received five deferments, spend six years completing a four year college degree, and was allowed to pursue "other priorities" while simultaneously vocally supporting the war he worked so hard to avoid becoming an active part of.

George W. Bush used his family's political connections to avoid serving in Vietnam. He joined the Texas Air National Guard and never saw a day of action outside of the continental United States. His two Democratic opponents, in the 2000 and 2004 Presidential elections, Al Gore and John Kerry, both opposed the war as young men, yet joined the military anyway, went to Vietnam, and served with distinction. For his valor under fire, Kerry was awarded a Silver Star, a Bronze Star, and three Purple Hearts. Dubya, according to his commanding officer,  was AWOL for over a year in 1972 and 1973 and, ultimately, failed to fulfill his contractual obligations to the Guard (made at the beginning of his "service").

Throughout their political careers, both Cheney and Bush continued their chicken-hawkish ways; ultimately sending thousands of young men to die abroad in order to satiate their own lusts for power and blood. Bush propped up his failing presidency for eight years and forever weakened American democracy. Cheney used the wars he helped to create to accumulate a huge personal fortune. Together, the pair were responsible for the deaths of over a million people and the theft of billions of dollars from the United States Treasury. And, in one of the most disgraceful presidential campaigns in American history, Chicken-hawk-Dubya succeeded in using war-hero-Kerry's military record against him.

For chicken hawks, it's all squawk; and the squawking is endless. For eight long years, men who had scrupulously avoided military service controlled the arsenal of democracy; and used it like it was their own personal little army. Bush and Cheney -- intent on evening old scores, avenging perceived slights, and making the world safe for crony capitalism -- behaved like chicken hawk warlords. Eight years of foreign invasions, political accusations, and profit taking. Eight years of outrageous lies, astounding incompetence, and extraordinary greed. Eight years spent fouling their own nests, before flying away and leaving others to clean up their mess.

No, I have no trouble with draft dodging. But the combination of draft dodger and war criminal is very troubling indeed. I have trouble with gun-toting, has been rock musicians -- the draft dodging shit still clinging to their shorts and their souls -- telling me how to be a good American. I have trouble with the chicken-hawkish patriotism of those who love sticking their guns in the faces of unarmed women and children or blowing away animals in the wild, but balk at the idea of facing an opposing army. There are cowards and there are sociopaths; and their war cry seems to be "if there's shooting, put the woman and children up front." The chicken hawk is an evil bird.

Bury the Dead

When you honor the dead soldier you make war something it is not: a noble institution. Dead men should be pitied, not celebrated. Heroism in the name of a bad cause is lamentable. Dying for one's country is the most contemptible of myths. Every nation has its war dead, but very few of these poor souls have died for anything other than the dreams of greedy men. Be careful who you deify, for you will have to live with the gods you create. The worst day in the history of the world was the day Jesus was recast as Mars.

Memorializing the lamb sanctifies his slaughter. Martyrs are created, not born. Guts are spread around the battlefield and glory dissipates accordingly. The cemeteries of the world are littered with the bones of young men who thought they were doing the right thing and who died on the orders of those who knew they were not. The gods of war are not content with the blood of the few, they want the hearts and minds of the many. This guarantees that they will always be fed. Remember the dead with only one thought in mind. Never Again!

Tragedy and Stupidity

Yet another mass shooting; tragic on so many levels. Everyone gets rejected at one time or another, but everyone doesn't kill six people and themselves in response. Yes, let's care for the mentally ill. Let's get them the help they need. Let's show them every kindness possible. Depression and other mental illnesses are terrible things. But let's also keep dangerous weapons out of their hands. We must try something. The status quo isn't working. Any reasonable person would reach the same conclusion. This sort of thing is happening far too often. Tragedy is one thing, stupidity is another.

Assault Weapon

An assault weapon is designed to carry out an assault; that is to say, to attack other human beings. It's not a defensive weapon. You can't tuck it under your pillow at night or throw it in the closet and bring it out when you think you hear a bugler downstairs. You can't hunt game with it. You can't target or skeet shoot with it. You can't conceal it under your coat or stash in the glove box of the car. You can only do one thing with it: open fire on large groups of people. You can use it to shoot up your place of business or spray a city block with bullets or murder children at a school or get in a shoot out with the police. It was created to take life quickly and easily and in large numbers. It was not built to save or protect life. It is a dangerous item in anyone's hand, even in the hands of someone who purchases it with the best of intentions; even in the hands of trained military personnel. It is not something anyone should walk down the street carrying openly or should be allowed to carry openly. It is not something to be placed on the table or slung around your shoulder at McDonald's while you finish your happy meal. It is not freedom. It is not liberty. It is naked power.  It is control and destruction. It is death waiting to happen. It is the tragic ending to a slippery slope argument.

Words of a Suicide

I am reading
the words of a suicide
poetic pronouncements
swathed in potential blood

testament to truth

clouded over by

schizophrenia views

of love and longing.

I push a rag

against the screen

hoping to stop the flow

of angst imagery

holding blue knuckle tight
least my own wrists
contact the knife like
nouns and verbs.

I am empathy

a good Samaritan unhorsed

over a sister stricken

on a lonely street

arms always open

set to sooth

a voyeur saint

weeping for the dead.

American Breakfast Tragedy

National Enquirer reports:

The "real" reason OJ killed Nicole

NICOLE: "L'eggo my Eggo!"
OJ: "Die, bitch, die!"

Speculation is that this is why no syrup was found on the Bruno Magli shoes.

One-eyed Man

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man isn't king, he's either in jail or dead. Nothing pisses off the mob more than an educated and honest individual.

Superiority that makes itself known is almost always dealt with quickly and harshly. And this holds true whether the transgression is intellectual or moral in character.

Genius is distrusted and saintliness disliked. The rule of the jungle favors and rewards mediocrity. The inquisition was created for those who honor ability before authority.

The emperor, my friends, would rather freeze to death than admit that he's naked. And the boy who laughs at his folly will spend the rest of his days under lock and key.

Rape Culture

Respect for women and for all living things is something learned at an early age or not at all. Rapists are raised; and are not merely poor uninformed souls who need to be set straight on an important point of social etiquette. A talk with your son will not correct twenty years of bad parenting. Any young man who needs to be "told" that rape is an evil and vile act is probably beyond redemption already. Rape culture -- like all forms of selfishness, insensitivity, and cruelty -- begins at home.

Yokels

It looks like Cliven Bundy and Ann Coulter had a couple of love children a while back. . .

The Message

The Subliminal GOP. Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Koch Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi. . .

Bad Priorities

Any society that grants individuals the right to use deadly force to protect property clearly values property more than human life.

Jesus Masturbating

In rebuttal, I'm working on a short video of Jesus masturbating while listening to heavy mental music. In the background, the Virgin Mary and the twelve Apostles will be smoking marijuana and conducting background checks for fire arms permits.

Cops

Never, ever talk to the cops. The jails are full of innocent people who thought they could clear themselves by cooperating with authorities. The police are not your friend. They do not have your best interests at heart. Life is not television. They are not the good guys. They are not nice people. They will manipulate anything you say into an admission of guilt. Don't believe anything they tell you. They are liars.

The purpose of any police investigation is not to find the guilty party, but to find someone to blame. The police don't interview citizens, they interrogate suspects. Don't make their job easy. Cops don't investigate crime, they create it. It's better to hang an innocent man than to hang no one at all. They are not interested in obtaining justice. All they desire is closure.

Protection from the Law

The biggest bullies in America are the ones in uniforms, suits and ties, and robes. If you try to fight back against them they will lock you up and throw away the key. And there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. No law can be written that will protect you from the law. Order is a two-edged sword and those who wield it are sometimes careless.

The Cheney Clan

The divine and the semi-divine, together again. Oh, to live in a country where the gods walk amongst us. . .

At Four A.M.

"Useless, useless. . ."
At four a.m. in the morning
Darkness streaming in
Through a half-blinded window
I feel a knife posed
Against bare skin
Not a cold blade heartlessly
Ready to pull liquid from
A pulsating vein
But warm steel waiting
To embrace then release
A lonely life.

This exhausted dreamer
Lids jammed tightly together
Lips bitten bloody
Cannot give up the ghost
In lieu of sleep  
Tired eyes search
Spider-webbed corners
And wonder if God is watching
Or dead on the cross
Or merely a myth
And I have no words for oblivion
But these.

VD

VD VD VD VD VD VD VD VD VD VD VD

Has anyone ever noticed that Valentine's Day and Venereal Disease have the same initials? Just coincidence? I think not.

VD VD VD VD VD VD VD VD VD VD VD

Not a Nugent Fan

Ted Nugent is a botched abortion who grew up and learned to play the guitar. His hate-filled, racist rhetoric should have been left in the garbage pail at the clinic.

Barf.jpg

This is just one of those cutesy online greeting cards that is supposed to be witty, but isn't. Obviously, the statistics are made up. Awesomeness is far too subjective a term to have any quantifiable meaning. The picture was probably pulled from another card and re-captioned. I see no connection between the faces or body positions of the children and the message they are supposedly exchanging. Are they saying that the more positive aspects of our personalities come from our mothers? That is a debatable proposition. In my family, most of us take after our father.

Here we have yet another example of someone trying to say something profound, but not having the skill or intelligence to communicate their idea accurately. The entire thing strikes me as both misconceived and poorly executed. It neither tugs on my heartstrings nor engages my funny-bone. It merely annoys me.

(NOTE: I am saving a copy of this graphic for future reference. I have named the new file: "barf.jpg.")

Gohmert

Everyone from Texas can't be an imbecile. I know people from Texas. They can dress themselves and speak in complete sentences and everything.

Mostly Dogs

Judging by the human candidates I see walking around the earth at the present time, Heaven is mostly dogs.

( I )

The evil we know is preferable to the evil we don't know. This is why it is so difficult to unseat incumbent politicians.

John Boehner

John Boehner

Not a real Speaker, but an amazing simulation. Well, maybe not amazing, but the suit and tie are believable.

More Online Quizzes

Which serial killer are you? I got Jeffrey Dahmer. I probably shouldn't have answered the "what do you like to cut up and put on your cornflakes" question with "under-aged Filipino boys." There's a lesson for you. Never go with D.

Happy Endings

Happy endings only occur in fairy-tales. All true stores end in desolation and death. Dragons breath fire, but the air that fills our lungs is cold and clammy. Life clings to our insides like diseased rags, heavy with pathos and perspiration.

An Evolution of Belief

I don't believe in a Christian God. I don't believe in the divinity of Jesus. I don't believe suffering can conquer death. I don't believe in the significance of horrible brutality. I don't believe in the Passion.

I believe in science and reason. I believe in Copernicus, Darwin, and Einstein. I believe in beauty and laughter. I believe in treating people with kindness and respect. I believe in a passion for life, not death.

The Donald and the Dorian

Donald Trump looks like the picture of Dorian Gray in the last chapter of Oscar Wilde's book. Every sin of a long, wicked life can be seen in his face. He looks like the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Mel Gibson isn't aging well either.

   

Cry Wolf

When the creature in the wool coat tries to rip your face off, it's a good indicator that the sheep you thought you were dealing with is a wolf in disguise.

Noonday Demon

Listening to the music of damaged guitars and deranged pianos. Learning the steps of the damned and the moves of the forsaken. I am dancing with the noonday demon.

Icelandic Defense Budget

All wars are economic in nature. Why should I waste time and money robbing and killing you if you don't have anything I want?

This explains why Iceland has never been invaded by a foreign power. Not enough people in neighboring countries like hot springs and herring to make the whole enterprise viable.

Bad On Air

We're all just gas bags expelling bad air. Some of us, however, are gassier than others.

Nancy Grace

For years I thought Nancy Grace was an old Lily Tomlin character. Now I think she may be a Muppet; an evil Muppet, a rogue Muppet.

Homeland Security

He was arrested as a suspected terrorist for trying to carry lip balm onto an airplane. When in custody, the Government found out he had recently blown up balloons for his child's birthday party and he was promptly sent to Guantanamo. Oh, and his name sounded vaguely Muslim.

Too Long By Half

The trouble with the world is Man. Once the human race is gone the earth will once again be a paradise. God should have stopped when he was ahead. Genesis was too long by half.

Every Beauty

Every beauty is accompanied by a hundred horrors. Every drop of insight is engulfed by a sea of stupidity. And sunlight is a tale told by the darkest patches of night.

Counting My Blessings

There are so many things wrong with the above graphic its hard to know what to complain about first. Yes, a positive attitude makes for a happier life. I get that. This doesn't mean, however, that we should ignore being price-gorged by the oil companies, let our family trash the house, or smile when our boss treats us like dirt. Mr Dave Willis' prose has the same effect on my central nervous system as finger nails dragged across a chalk board. I don't think this type of wisdom is especially wise or especially productive.

I don't have a job. I don't have a car. I don't have a house. I have anger. I have frustration. I have a bad heart. I don't feel especially blessed. There are plenty of people that are worse off than myself and, also, plenty of people who are better off than myself. Neither of these facts affect my own situation in the tiniest way. My life is horrible and I really don't see it getting better anytime soon. I appreciate the input, but believe me, being told to count my blessings isn't helpful. Thank you.

Chainsaws

After the 1974 release of the cult horror classic, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Stanley Tool unveiled a new ad campaign in which they assured their customers that "chainsaws don't kill people, people do."

Time Out

I'm taking time out from the porn to write this. . .

Politics 101

Democrat or Republican? Democrat, please. The lesser of two evils is still evil, I'll grant you that, but a plate of macaroni and cheese is still better than a bowl of dirt.

Capital Idea

The law doesn't kill people, other people do. For every life taken by the state it needs someone to pull the trigger, flip the switch, drop the door, or insert the needle.

Without the complicity of the executioner, there is no execution. Death is always a personal act.

Fame and Infamy

At one time, there was a difference between fame and infamy. A slap is as good as a kiss to a wicked child. If all you want is attention, it is as easily obtained with bad behavior as it is with good.